Too Tired to Fight!

So my blog is titled, "Wanna know what I'm thinking??" When I sit down to blog I don't think I ever really say exactly what I'm thinking. I might say something I've THOUGHT about, but it's never really what I'm THINKING. I'm just giving you fair warning.....in this blog I'm about to tell you what I'm really thinking!!! It might even sound like I'm venting a little or that I'm mad about something. Truth is, I am. I'm mad at myself! I'm mad at myself for letting it go this far!! I'm tired! I'm tired of being broken and I'm tired of crying useless tears! I'm tired of being hung-up and I'm tired of thinking about it all!! I'm tired of going through all the "what-ifs" or the "how-comes!" I'm ready to move on, but at the same time I don't want to let go!! I know that now YOU'RE probably thinking..."What the heck is she talking about?!?" To be honest...I don't even know!! I guess I'm talking about life in general!! People, including myself, make me so mad! I mean is it just in our genetic make-up to hold onto meaningless things, that in the end, are so not worth all of our time!! I don't know what it is!! I lay in my bed at night and I'll think to myself..."Brittney, why do you let yourself go through this? Why do you constantly set yourself up for heartache? Why can't you just wake up tomorrow and decide to be over it all and simply LET IT GO!!!" It's like my head says one thing and my heart says another. My head always has the logical answer. The "just be over it" answer. But like the phrase goes...easier said than done!! My heart always says to hold on. No matter what I do, or who I talk to, or the countless prayers I've prayed, I just can't seem to find an answer!! I'm so very broken!!! In past blogs I know I've said things like..."No matter what your problem is, God is BIGGER!!" or "Just hold on." I guess it's hard to take your own advice, because I could sit and say that stuff to myself all day long, but in the end I still hurt, and I still can't move on. I want to be free from this, but I can't just let it be what it is!! I'm tired of being tired!! I'm tired of having to live my life as if everything is alright. "Just put on a smile Brittney, and no one will know how you really feel!" I'm fighting a battle within myself, and as of right now I feel like I'm losing!!!

When Can I Just Be Me??

Life is CRAZY!!!! Sometimes I don't have time to breathe, let alone sit down and blog!!! Ha!! Maybe I need to try and learn to better prioritize my time or something! I have just been super busy the past couple weeks! Between cheerleading practice everyday, fine arts, prom, homework, work, and all the other facts of life, I just haven't been able to find time to sit down and share whats been on my heart. I'll get to that in a minute though!! First I just thought I would give you a little update on whats been going on!! Fine Arts was last weekend and I could not be more proud of how well everyone did!!! Even though some of us procrastinators waited till the week before hand to get everything together, we did awesome!!! Prom was also that Friday night, and I had an awesome time!! It was so much fun!!! Cheerleading is just as crazy and annoying as its ever been!!! Somehow I seem to love it though. Haha! Umm...schools going pretty good...although I'm very very ready for summer!! Well I guess thats about all thats been going on. Lol

So lately with everything going on I can't help but feel that I'm never good enough. Not just to everyone else, but especially to myself. I think one thing I've learned about myself is that I'm my toughest critic. In everything that I ever do I always walk away thinking about how I could've done it better. I just never seem to be satisfied with anything!! It's a flaw! I don't know, maybe I'm stupid to even think that way, because I know there are talents that God has blessed me with. It's just I'm so critical of everything I do!! I realize that people watch me, and I guess I want to live up to their expectations of what a "perfect little pastors daughter" should really be. I kinda feel like I live my life on display, and every step I take is being watched. I'm tired of having to be good enough!! When can I just be me???